The holiday season is often a time of joy, connection, and celebration. However, for those dealing with narcissistic abuse—whether in their marriage or post-separation and divorce—this time of year can feel especially painful. As children dream of sugarplums and festive joy, many victims of narcissistic abuse battle an unrelenting storm of pain, struggling to summon the strength to create moments of love and warmth for their families amid the shadows of a war they never willingly entered.
Dealing with narcissistic abuse is exhausting and difficult on a day normal day, but the added pressures and expectations that come with the holidays can make it even harder. Narcissists hate not being the center of attention, especially during holidays and special occasions. They capitalize upon this time to sabotage plans, inflict pain, and covertly stir up conflict, in a bid for power and control. Their blatant disregard for others becomes even more apparent, turning the holiday season into a psychological battlefield rather than a time of peace and joy.
For those recovering from narcissistic abuse after separation or divorce, family gatherings and traditions can amplify feelings of loneliness, sorrow, and stress, as the echoes of the past linger long after the relationship has ended. The holiday season can intensify grief as well—not only over what has been lost or stolen but also over the never-ending onslaught of continued manipulation and control. Just because a victim ends the relationship doesn’t mean the abuse ends as well.
How, then, can someone who has been affected by narcissistic abuse navigate the holiday season when it feels more painful than joyful? For five strategies to navigate the pain of narcissist abuse during the holidays, read below.
5 Strategies for Navigating the Pain of Narcissistic Abuse
1. Establish Clear Boundaries
When dealing with narcissists, boundaries are often tested, ignored, or outright violated. While it is always essential to set firm boundaries with a narcissist, it’s especially critical during the holiday season for a victim to protect their physical, emotional, mental, and even spiritual well-being. That said, it’s not necessary to inform the narcissist about these boundaries, as they would likely use them against you. Instead, simply maintain and enforce them on your own.
Some boundary-setting tips if you are still married to a narcissist include:
- Limit emotional or physical contact: If spending time together feels too draining or painful, it’s okay to distance yourself, even in your own home. No explanation or justification is needed.
- Refuse to engage in drama: Narcissists thrive on conflict. If they try to provoke you or stir up tension, disengage as best you can. Implementing “grey rocking” can also be helpful. You don’t have to respond to insults, guilt trips, or emotional manipulation. You can step back from conversations and keep interactions minimal.
- Say no to holiday expectations: If your abusive spouse expects you to perform or act in ways that leave you exhausted or unappreciated, it’s okay to decline. You don’t have to participate in every holiday tradition if it doesn’t serve your well-being.
Some boundary-setting tips if you are separated or divorced from a narcissist include:
- Keep Communication Brief and Neutral: Avoid emotional conversations. Stick to logistics and avoid engaging in personal or confrontational topics. Use email or text when possible to maintain a record of interactions.
- Establish Firm Boundaries for Shared Custody (if you have children): Set clear guidelines for visitation, drop-offs, and pick-ups. Be consistent and avoid giving in to emotional manipulation related to parenting time.
- Set Clear Limits on Contact: Limit unnecessary conversations, and when possible, use a third-party or co-parenting app—though, as we know, they counter-parent.
- Don’t Take the Bait: Narcissists often provoke emotional reactions to regain control. Detach and don’t engage in arguments or power struggles.
- Use the “Grey Rock” or “Yellow Rock” Techniques: This technique involves being as emotionally unresponsive and uninteresting as possible. Narcissists thrive on drama, so by staying neutral or only responding briefly to only what is absolutely necessary, you discourage further manipulation or emotional engagement.
2. Create Your Own Holiday Experience
If the idea of a traditional holiday celebration feels overwhelming or triggering, consider creating new traditions. It can be empowering to reshape the holiday season in ways that bring you joy and supports your well-being.
- Spend Time with God: It’s imperative to spend time with God to stay encouraged and strengthened. He intimately knows what you are walking through. He created you and knows exactly what you need. Never underestimate what time in the presence of God can do. It is life and health to your bones!
- Do something that brings you peace: Whether it’s reading a book, taking a walk in nature, writing, or watching a favorite movie, make time for things you enjoy and help you feel calm and centered.
- Indulge in small comforts: Treat yourself to your favorite foods, take long baths, light candles, or listen to calming or soaking music. The little things, really are the big things. These simple acts of self-care can help counterbalance the chaos and emotional toll.
- Don’t Avoid Responsibilities: Self-care is more than just bubble baths or relaxation—it’s about taking care of the things that matter. Paying your bills on time. Making a phone call you’ve been putting off. Taking action on these small things will reduce the underlying stress lurking in the back of your mind and help you feel more at peace.
- Connect with others who understand: If possible, spend time with supportive friends, family, or members of the Esther Company support group who understand what experiencing narcissistic abuse is like. Surrounding yourself with people who validate your experience can be incredibly healing.
Reclaiming the holidays and creating new traditions is a powerful step toward not only healing and autonomy but also creating a life that you love.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Feel
The holidays may bring up complex feelings, from grief and anger to sadness and frustration. If you’re struggling to find joy or feel disconnected from the holiday spirit, know that it’s okay. You are going through something incredibly difficult, and it’s natural for your emotions to fluctuate.
Take the time to reflect on what you need. It’s okay to grieve the loss of what you thought your relationship would be. It’s okay to feel frustrated by the emotional toll of chronic narcissistic abuse. Most importantly, it’s okay to not feel happy or festive. Your emotions are valid.
Allow yourself space to feel without guilt. There is no “right” way to feel during the holidays, especially when you have experienced the devastating depths of narcissistic abuse.
4. Use Stress-Relieving Techniques
The holidays can be especially overwhelming when you’re emotionally drained or triggered. Grounding techniques can help you stay connected to the present moment and reduce feelings of anxiety or dissociation.
Try these simple techniques:
- 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding: Identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This can help bring you back to the present moment and calm your nervous system.
- Breathing Exercises: Breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, and exhale for 4. Repeat several times. Focus on the sensation of your breath to center your mind.
- Body Scan: Starting at your feet and working up to your head, mentally check in with each part of your body. Notice where you hold tension and try to release it with each exhale.
These simple techniques can help lighten the emotional burden of narcissistic abuse during the holidays, especially when the weight feels too heavy to bear.
5. Reach Out for Support
Narcissistic abuse and feelings of sadness thrive in isolation, which is why it’s so important to reach out for support, even when it feels difficult. Whether through a therapist, a trusted friend, or the Esther Company Private Facebook page for survivors of narcissistic abuse, connecting with others who understand what you’re going through can make you feel seen, heard, and less alone.
If you’re in an unsafe situation or feeling emotionally overwhelmed and need immediate assistance, please don’t hesitate to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They offer free, confidential support 24/7, and can help you navigate steps toward safety and healing.
- Call: 800-799-7233
- Text: LOVEIS to 866-331-9474
- Chat Online: here
You are not alone, even if it feels like it right now. Your safety and well-being are important!
Healing and Hope Are Your Inheritance
Though the holidays can be especially challenging for those dealing with or healing from narcissistic abuse, they also offer an opportunity for self-reflection, growth, and healing. If you’re finding this season particularly painful, these five simple strategies can help you navigate the pain and take small steps toward reclaiming your joy.
This holiday season, give yourself the gift of self-compassion. Take the time to feed your spirit, nurture your soul, protect your peace, and honor your journey. Wishing you a gentle, warm, and healing holiday season. May you find strength in God, encouragement in His presence, and know that your worth is not defined by the abuse you’ve suffered. Your story isn’t over yet, and brighter days are ahead!
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28 ESV
