The covert narcissist uses manipulative tactics of abuse that are hidden under the guise of vulnerability to evoke sympathy and attention while maintaining an illusion of innocence. Their insidious ways are a carefully crafted façade in a relentless quest for validation, power, and control. Unlike the overt narcissist, who boldly instigates and demands attention and admiration, the tactics of a covert narcissist are much more subtle, often leaving their victim confused and questioning their reality. This evil strategy not only undermines and greatly destroys the emotional well-being of the victim but also causes great physical and spiritual harm that has long-lasting, and sometimes even permanent, effects.
Though circumstances may vary, the abusive tactics of a covert narcissist are all the same. It’s as if these abusers have all gone to school together or have read from the same playbook. I hope that the informative script below, highlighting the hidden tactics in the covert narcissist’s playbook, gives victims the clarity they need to not only understand what is truly happening in their relationship but also empower them to break free from the covert narcissist’s sadistic web of harm.
The Covert Narcissists Playbook
The script below is written from the viewpoint of already having been in a relationship with a covert narcissist and having taken space or maybe even broken things off. (If you would like to read about the full cycle of covert narcissistic abuse from the beginning of the relationship, you can read my other blog called, Why is My Marriage So Confusing: Understanding the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse.) Continue reading below for a chapter from The Narcissist Playbook:
1. Testing the Waters
“I’m just checking in to see if I still have control over you by seeing if you respond to my phone calls, texts, or social media messages.”
2. Smear Campaign
“I’ve been talking badly about you to our friends and family and wanted to hear your voice so I know if you have caught wind of the lies I have been spreading about you.”
3. Perpetual Victim
“I’m feeling sad and empty without your reaction because it sounds like you are not aware of me talking badly about you just yet. Since I’m not getting the reaction I want from you yet, I’ll just resort to playing the victim, hoping to receive your attention and sympathy.”
4. Love Bombing and Hoovering
“If that doesn’t work, I’ll reminisce about our wonderful memories (which were all fabricated manipulations to control you) or I’ll resort to future faking again to hook you back in. I love watching the guarded hope in your eyes as I make false promises I will never keep just to win you over, sucking you back under my control.”
5. Fake Apologies
“If that still doesn’t work, then I will give you a fake apology about minor things done I have in the past while ignoring the major abuse I inflicted upon you, Of course, I will lie and tell you that I’m willing to change. However, I will not admit to all the things I have done or take real responsibility for my abusive actions. If you don’t accept my insincere apology, I’ll bate you into an argument by saying things like, “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “You need to forgive and forget.”
6. Blame Shifting and Deflecting
“If you don’t accept my fake apology, I will play the victim and remind you that you have done things that hurt me, too, even though you were just having a normal human reaction to abuse unlike my sinister motive to destroy you. I want to confuse you and deflect from my abusive actions to make you feel bad. Bonus if I convince you that you are the narcissist!”
7. Bating and Sabotage
“If you don’t regulate my emotions for me, then I will pick a fight manipulating you into matching my emotional dysregulation. My goal is to ruin your mood so you feel drained and have nothing left to give the kids, your friends and family, or your job. Bonus if the stress makes you physically sick or gives you an incurable illness, like an autoimmune condition.”
8. Secondary Abuse
“Speaking of the kids, I want to talk to them and get them all excited about something I will be sure to cancel or ruin at the last minute. I love provoking anxiety or disappointment in them, especially because I know how much their pain hurts you. It gives me great joy to kill two birds with one stone!”
9. More Sabotage
“What do you mean today is your birthday? Of course, I remember! That is why I chose to pick a fight or hurt the kids today! Even though I will pretend that I forgot because I want to reinforce that you mean nothing to me. I want to ruin any day that is special to you.”
10. Gaslighting
“Why are you so sensitive? I didn’t do anything. I don’t know what you are talking about. I never meant to hurt you. You are crazy.”
Clarity is Key
While the playbook script above may seem unfathomable to someone who has not experienced this type of disorienting abuse, these are the exact devious tactics covert narcissists use, though this illustration barely scratches the surface of the devastating depths a victim truly experiences. A narcissist’s mind is depraved, and their value system is vastly different from that of a normal human being. Though circumstances may vary, it is my hope that by shining a light on the hidden tactics of covert narcissistic abuse, victims not only find clarity but are empowered to break free from the dangerous and sadistic web of control that has entrapped them.
My Prayer for Every Victim
God, thank you for bringing clarity to every woman desperately seeking answers about her painful or confusing relationship. Holy Spirit would you shine your light into the darkness and illuminate her entire world with your Spirit of Truth. May wisdom and revelation surround your daughter right now, as you expose the plots and schemes of the enemy. Give her massive grace to see what needs to be seen in order to move forward in the direction that you would have her go completely, unhindered. I thank you that she will be ten steps ahead of the enemy at all times. Send ministering angels to attend to her–to strengthen, refresh, protect, and fill her with grace. I ask that you would release supernatural provision for all she (and her children) need and that the right people would come into her life, at the right time, who have her best interest at heart. I declare abundant life over your daughter in, Jesus name.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” — John 10:10
