As I was sipping my organic peppermint green tea in my “God is good all the time” light-blue cup, the phone rang. A distressed student was crying, “I walked in on him! He was viewing pornography and I can’t believe the content he was looking at! I knew something was very wrong in our relationship, but he said he stopped doing this after my last discovery. We argued, and he pushed me down on the ground and called me awful names. This woman went on to relate that she fled the home. This wife needed a spiritual and soul emergency room. And she needed a Good Samaritan.
At the same time, through the years, thousands of women have faced these same types of issues. I have regularly been getting calls like this from wives. While I wasn’t searching for them, God ordered my steps so that I could speak life into their shattered, betrayed, traumatized hearts and stabilize them, like a physician that calls, “Code Red.” Just my presence there while Jesus put the paddles on their heart, just holding space for them, seeing and hearing them, meant the world to them.
Double Lives of Porn Addicts
As a Certified Biblical Life Coach since 2009, and a mentor to women, mental health, sexual betrayal and trauma certification, along with my status as an ordained minister, I have come across a peculiar situation after mentoring thousands of women. To say the least, it is not only frightening but dangerous to the entire well-being of a godly woman. A chunk of these Christian women are married to Christian husbands who view pornography. Moreover, these husbands are not unaware of what they’re doing; these husbands are intentionally going to any extent to hide their porn use from their family, church, work, and the culture around them. In other words, they are wearing a mask.
For example, they attend church every Sunday, raising their hands, and attending Bible studies and recovery groups, yet they are living a double life and only their wives and children see the fruit behind closed doors. The wife discovers current usage. In other words, like a trojan horse, they are stealth at maintaining an outward appearance of godliness, yet hiding inside is deceptive behavior as they deny God’s power to set them free. (See 2 Timothy 3:5.)
The intentional deception results in complete detachment from those in their home. And there is a lack of care, love, and concern. Their wives exclaim, “I think his conscience is seared.”
The Trojan Horse
Eventually, if their wife attempts to explore what is really happening inside the Trojan horse, she is met with an arsenal of weaponry that threatens her entire existence, causes fear, and literally makes her run back under silent compliance. Because of the behaviors he uses to protect his addiction, just like any addict, the closer you get to bringing truth to their existence and exposing the beahvior, the more the user will escalate to take the focus off their addiction and their deception. The same is true with pornography.
For instance, one way they do this is to use tactics such as blame, contempt, fear, anger, and the silent treatment, among other things, with the purpose of bullying the wife into silence and compliance so that she never brings up the issue in conversation. The outcome is just too painful when it’s coming from someone who is called to love you like Christ loved the church. He simply wants to silence her because she is getting too close to his idol. “Thou shall have no other Gods before me” (Exodus 20:3).
In other words, living with a Christian spouse who is addicted to porn is hell on earth. I have heard the silent screams of these women, and I say to you, “Come out of the rubble! Use your voice and speak up!” My goal as an activist with a Joan of Arc anointing is to educate, equip, and help set free those who have been caught in cycles not of their own making, cycles they never thought they could escape. My goal is to help them feel supported and help them heal, giving them the confidence to know that they are not alone.
Three Dangerous Tactics of Porn Users and How to Avoid Them
The focus of this blog is to inform women of the several tactics porn users use to discredit their wives as they make it seem as if the wife is the one with the problem. He does this in order to maintain his image, discredit her, and divide and conquer in case she attempts to tell outsiders. By understanding these tactics, you can be better prepared to deal with them if they come up in your own life or in the lives of other women as you help them. So what are these tactics? Read on to find out.
1. Convincing You That You Are Mentally Unstable, Mentally Ill, or Critical
Remember with any addiction, the goal is to keep the addiction alive and active, so one of the tactics is diversion. I call this the switcheroo onto you! They will attempt to convince outsiders and you, the wife, that something is wrong with you. The goal of this missile is to get you spinning in emotional defense and to take the focus off their secret addiction. Notice how they use this strategy when you are approaching them to talk about the extreme detachment they have and their unpredictable behavior.
KEY: Don’t take the bait! There is nothing wrong with you. You’re just trying to solve problems. This is a covert tactic to separate you from others so others won’t believe you when you tell them that he is doing porn, angry all the time, and sleeping in another room.
2. Lies
All addicts lie. Imagine the insane amount of energy it takes to cover up a secret life. They are basically living as two personalities. They will lie to you, and about you. They will lie to counselors, friends, family, coworkers, and anyone who attempts to get too close to talk about their secret porn usage. They pretending to be someone else to outsiders but on the inside of this Trojan horse, is an abyss of murky water, toxic secrets, and sludge.
KEY: Know your truth and stand firm in your faith! Document all your discoveries and write them down with bullet points. This will help you as they put on a pretend show with neighbors, family, and church members. Build a strong team around you. Remember that you will find freedom in exposure and sharing your journey with safe people.
3. Angry Outbursts
Men who are addicted to porn have anger and control issues. When you approach them to talk about the extreme disconnect in the relationship, they will blow up in anger, which is intended to control you. Again, you are getting too close to their idol. They don’t want the light near their idol. And they will protect it by making you fear them. They are asserting coercive control. They are not angry men that had a bad childhood and need rescuing. They are using anger to control you!
KEY: Remove yourself from the environment and build a team you can talk to about your options you have. Find people who will listen to you with empathy and validation. “Do not rescue an angry man, lest you have to do it again tomorrow” (Proverbs 19:19).
Porn Addiction Is Adultery
We definitely need to advocate for the truth about the reality of porn addiction and adultery. Porn is adultery. To quote Jesus in red letters, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery. ‘But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”(Matthew 5:27)
You Are Not Alone
Lastly, if your husband is struggling with an addiction to porn, please know that you’re not alone. Help is available. I created a support group for Christian women who are battling this “porndemic” as a collaborative, and we would love to have you join us. You don’t have to suffer in silence anymore—reach out for help and be part of a community of women who understand what you’re going through. We can help you thrive, break free of cycles, find healing in community, and find wholeness in life. Remember that your truth matters–telling your story sets you free.
Melissa Arteman
Founder of Melissa Arteman & Co
Melissa runs a prominent online and in-person inner circle for women, and a digital media company producing a variety of Christian media products, featuring books, e-learning events, and e-courses. She has authored numerous books, including Freedom Walk, The Wives’ Playbook to Her Porn Addicted Husband (coming soon!), and The Art of Entering His Presence.
She is a speaker, media host, creative entrepreneur, revivalist, and has a loud voice with a prophetic edge. Her passions are sitting at the round table over meals, talking about the Lord, sunning at the beach, and equipping women to soar!
To invite Melissa to speak or inquire about her inner circle, contact www.MelissaArteman.com or MelArteman@Gmail.com. 847-954-9066
[1] Henry Cloud, 9 Things a Leader Must Do: How to Go to the Next Level–And Take Others With You (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2006), 114.
